People have asked me before, how many kids do you have. I always smile and say four. A lot goes through my mind when asked this. This question is not simple for me. I only have 4 kids standing with me, however, I have three babies in heaven. Such a simple question can be a huge trigger for many women.
My first miscarriage was in 2013. It was horrible for me. We were excited to see the heartbeat. The doctor was so quite and finally said she cannot find anything. They looked again and found our small baby with no heartbeat. The doctor was cold and rude. Then she sent me to another room, where a nurse came in with a huge smile, so when is your due date. How could the doctor not have told her my baby was gone? It was heartbreaking and I blamed myself. The baby I lost would have been the first between my husband and I. We got pregnant again quickly. We were blessed with our son Gavin.
With this miscarriage I found many of my friends had had one too but just did not talk about it. Why weren’t women talking about this? It is not our fault; we should not sit in silence. I felt better talking to other women. When you lose your baby, no matter how far along not only do you feel alone, there are so many other emotions.
For me, this was not going to be my last miscarriage. After Gavin, in 2015, I got pregnant again and again there is my little baby with no heartbeat. How is this happening? Why are my babies not making it? We had to go to my husbands work function that evening and we faced the evening with a smile. Then we came home to take medicine to birth my baby. Well, I talked about my loss because I needed to. Luckily, just like before, I got pregnant again with Harper. I would not let myself get attached, I was anxiety ridden and worried the whole pregnancy. It really sucked that, for me, I could not fully enjoy the experience until I held her.
After Harper we wanted one more. I was nervous to try but when we found I was pregnant I felt dread. When I told my husband I told him to not get excited there will not be a heartbeat and there was not. For some reason, my body loses a baby each time before a successful pregnancy. My doctors wouldn’t look deeper into the miscarriages till the third loss. Why do we have to lose three babies before we get help? Then God gave me my third rainbow baby Aria. The pregnancy was hard. I bought a Doppler to check for the heartbeat daily. I was again anxiety ridden and sad that I was scared of pregnancy. But on September 29th I was blessed to take home my beautiful girl.
Now after three losses and three rainbow babies I reflect on what I went through. I wish I was not so hard on myself, that I would have talked about my loss more so I could have helped someone else. I’m very thankful for the women that shared their stories to me, so I didn’t feel so alone. I wonder if they were boys or girls, did the babies have their Daddies green eyes? One day I will meet them. I am grateful my rainbow babies. What I tell all other Moms out there with angel babies is this:
- You are not alone.
- You did nothing wrong.
- We are strong and amazing.
- Even though you lost your baby you still are a Mom.
- Take your time to grieve.
- Enjoy your pregnancy after loss.
- Ask for help if you are having a hard time.
- Tell your story when you are ready.
- You can choose to keep trying or stop, either way is OK.
- Love yourself. You have gone through a lot and you matter.
To all the Moms out there with babies in heaven, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope, if you try again,j you get your rainbow baby. If you are unable to have one or more children I am sending love and prayers your way. Women are amazingly strong. The things we endure can be difficult. Love and prayers to all of you.