0 In motherhood and family

My rainbow pregnancy.

My rainbow pregnancy was hard. I did not know anything about a rainbow pregnancy and had no idea what that meant. Also, I had no idea what a rainbow baby was. That all changed when I got pregnant with Gavin. Then my rainbow pregnancy began and it was emotionally hard. Someone said to me “oh that is great, your having a rainbow baby.” I had to ask what that meant. I was so happy to learn the meaning of a rainbow baby, it gave me a sense of happiness after my loss. But my rainbow pregnancy was a whole different experience.

I guess I should explain for those who do not know what a rainbow baby and pregnancy is. Well, it is the pregnancy that follows after a miscarriage, still birth or loss of a baby. It is considered the rainbow after the storm and gives parents who were grieving the loss of a baby hope with a new baby. It does not mean it replaces that loss. Nothing replaces the loss of a child. What it does do is gives us hope!

For me though a rainbow baby pregnancy is hard. With my first baby I had never had a miscarriage. Everything went smoothly with the pregnancy and birth. I had no fears. No one tells you what comes with a rainbow baby pregnancy. I do not think this happens for everyone or maybe it does. But the pregnancy is hard.

My rainbow baby pregnancies since I had three of them we exceedingly difficult on my mental health. I was in fear the whole time. The pregnancy joy was many times overwhelmed by the fear from my miscarriage. Miscarriage’s caused me to not share that I was pregnant till the first trimester was over. Every baby scan I had I would fear they would find something. I would wait till the baby moved and feel relief. Unfortunately, the relief would soon be consumed with the next fear and then the next. It was such a struggle for me to not fear my baby’s safety till they were in my arms.

I am not sure this happens to everyone. But this is my story of the struggle I had connecting with my rainbow babies while pregnant. For me, I wished I had received therapy after my miscarriages. I loved those babies. When I get pregnant I see these little humans and all they can do in the world. I may not have held them, but I loved them so much it hurt. I wish doctors would follow up on the mental health of the parents after a loss, but many do not. At least for me they did not.

As I mentioned above I lost three babies. Each loss was followed by a rainbow baby. I am so blessed to have them. God gave me the best little babies ever. I wish I had asked for help to handle the stress of rainbow pregnancies so I could have enjoyed being pregnant. It makes me incredibly sad that I did not spend more time cherishing every moment of pregnancy. Instead I lived in fear. My fears where real and valid but I did not have to struggle alone.

By my third rainbow baby I was in a panic a lot of the time. It was not healthy for my self or the baby. There are moments now I see I should have advocated for myself to get some help. My blood pressure was high due to the fear every time I went into the office something would be wrong. On top of it I had an anterior placenta. So, finding the babies heartbeat was hard. It was just a lot of my mental health not being where it needed to be. But I really am glad I got through it and birthed these beautiful little ones.

What I learned from my rainbow baby pregnancies I hope can help another Mom who struggles. Maybe it will help a Dad too. It could allow a Dad to help if they see their babies Mother struggling.

  1. If you are struggling like I was ask your doctor for help.
  2. If your doctor is not listening to you, ask for a new one.
  3. Talk to other Moms like yourself. Find a supportive group.
  4. Try to find ways to relax.
  5. Talk to your partner or family to get more support
  6. Please know you are not alone (message me if you need to someone to talk too)
  7. Try Mantra’s like: My baby is healthy or we are okay.
  8. Take a deep breath if feeling scared or sad
  9. Essential Oils can help calm your mind
  10. Always ask for help if needed.

If I were to ever have another baby I would find a doctor who specialized in mental health. I would take care of myself and build a great support team. Also, it would be important for me to find a doctor that was with me through the whole thing verse a practice that can never schedule you with the same OBGYN. Maybe a midwife would be better as the care is more personal. But please know your not alone. Many women do not share how scary it is getting pregnant again after a loss. But you do not have to struggle alone.

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